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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 9:54 pm    Post subject: Jokes and Funnies Reply with quote

Gotta love this old lady! Very Happy

https://home.comcast.net/~jfmelnick/fruitcakelady.wmv

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Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
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KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

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Toledo Hemi
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO! superkewl
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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The European Commission has
just announced
an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations,
the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would
become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s"
will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion,
and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm
in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This
will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year,
publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e"
in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou"
and after ziz fifz yer,
ve vil hav a,reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer,
ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
_________
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

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Screamin!


MMmmm.. Beer!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

so a kid goes out one night and doesn't tell his parents where he's going. A few hours go by and his mom says worriedly, "I wonder where he's at? I hope he's eating." Another couple of hours go by and she says the same thing again. The next morning the kid comes home. His mom goes, "where were you last night?" He said, "don't worry about it." She asked, "Well did you eat at least?" the kid replied, "Well I had a ham sandwich." His father spoke up and said, "let me handle this!" He turned to his son and said, "Where the hell were you last night?" The kid replied, "well if you must know I was at my girlfriends house." His dad goes, "Well what were you doing that was so important you couldn't have called?" the kid goes, "Well if you must know, we were f***." Father asked, You were f***?" kid goes, "Yup." the father asked, "all night?" the kid replied with a yes. The father said, "follow me." they walk into the kitchen and the father starts going through the cupboards, he pulls out a big frying pan with a bit long handle. The mom goes, "your not gonna hit him with that are you?" the father goes, "hell no I'm not gonna hit him with it. I'm gonna make him some breakfast. You can't f*** all night on a ham sandwich."
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firegabe
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hehehehehehhe!!!
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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Buzzzz
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 8:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great Wisdom
1.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2.It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3.Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
5.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
7.Don't squat with your spurs on.
8.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
9.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
10.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
11.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
12.We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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~~Do unto others as you would
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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry
one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to
the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest,
most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking
how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when
you met her."

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Buzzzz
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE MYSTERY OF EYE MIND FUNCTION.


Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
aws rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mnid, aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt
tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh! and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling
was ipmorantt!

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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Texan, an Arab, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a swig, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Arab looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey! "The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap," A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Arab pulls out a bottle of oil,throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Oil" The Arab says "In my country there's plenty of oil and bottles are cheap." So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turn around and shoots the Arab. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Michigan says,"Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Arabs, but bottles are worth a dime."
_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15477
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.

Silence.



Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15477
Gallery pictures: 4
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 11:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it
with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,
"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Bee Keeper
Post Whores Anonymous member




Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15477
Gallery pictures: 4
Bee Keeper's gallery
Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FISH STORY

A Tennessee redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Tennessee recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!" The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the ! redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"
We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.. You smart ones have a good day !

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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cincydon
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Joined: 10 Nov 2005
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Location: Cincinnati, Ohio

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO !!!
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Don

05 Dodge Daytona QC 4X4 Go MANgo #6539
06 Charger R/T Hemi (Wifes Car)

Mods:Line of Fire, Tinted windows, Line-X bedliner, Lorado tonneau, airbrushed hemi hat and fuse cover, taylor shorty wires, CAI w/K&N, orange wire loom, MRK speaker rings, seat lever handles, o.h. console glove box strip p.w. bezels, billet pillar inserts, vent covers, a/c and radio knobs, radiator insert, oil cap cover, power seat bezel, hood scoop insert bumper grill, Dodge slush mats, Hemi tailgate and glove strip badges
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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15477
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are
both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a
room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM,
the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully
cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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