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Terrence
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Location: Southside Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Mon Aug 02, 2010 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
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Da Beest
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Terrence wrote:
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 8:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Da Beest wrote:
Terrence wrote:
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


ROTFLMAO! Laughing

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Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Terrence
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Joined: 01 Aug 2010
Posts: 142
Location: Southside Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and
appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did
your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only
18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school,
I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins


who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have
72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because
a**hole like you murdered them before they could
experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to
service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite
sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant,
exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can deal with
that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied
for all eternity?"

To which Allah replied,
"Who said they were all women?"

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Terrence
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Joined: 01 Aug 2010
Posts: 142
Location: Southside Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 6:52 pm    Post subject: the gay cowboy Reply with quote

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15478
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15478
Gallery pictures: 4
Bee Keeper's gallery
Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
Using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico
Honduras and Guatemala ...

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Da Beest
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Location: Glen Burnie, Maryland

PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds about right to me! cool_goatee
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*ALL BECAUSE OF A TRUCK*
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Terrence
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Joined: 01 Aug 2010
Posts: 142
Location: Southside Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 15478
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In 1872, the Australians invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873, the Scots somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first. Very Happy

_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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jztbcz
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^^^^ WOW ^^^^^^^^ lol lol
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2015 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited 4x4
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Terrence
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Joined: 01 Aug 2010
Posts: 142
Location: Southside Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

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Bee Keeper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
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Location: Waco Texas

PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
_________________
Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Chief
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO
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Chief
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry I got the post lost Confused
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