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zuke
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE BLOND MORTICIAN


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle

chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'





'So I just switched the

heads.'

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2011 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

zuke wrote:
THE BLOND MORTICIAN


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle

chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'





'So I just switched the

heads.'



LMAO!

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Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
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KATZKINS
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275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

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Chief
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO Laughing Laughing
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Chief
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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Chief
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with
these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said
he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

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Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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Chief
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ouch lol Very Happy
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zuke
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Joined: 19 Apr 2005
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Location: Northern Virginia

PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're s***' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it.."

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Chief
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

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jztbcz
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^^^^^ lol ^^^^^^
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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple was attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery and they were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour
explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a
predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men
in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three
West Virginia coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch...

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Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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zuke
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Location: Northern Virginia

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: 'Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?

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hd4tools
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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2011 1:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Isn't it ironic?
Fish are now eating raw Japanese

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Bee Keeper
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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2011 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hd4tools wrote:
Isn't it ironic?
Fish are now eating raw Japanese


Very Happy

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Jim

Hemi: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros, and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax.


BLACK/SECOND SWARM #2971
FUNCTIONAL 440 SIX PACK HOOD
MOPAR BED COVER W/STRIPE
STRIPE EXTENSIONS
TINTED WINDOWS
DEBADGED
KATZKINS
BEDRUG
275/55/20 NEXEN ROADIAN HP's

GO FAST OR GO HOME! Piss on Ford
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jztbcz
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hd4tools wrote:
Isn't it ironic?
Fish are now eating raw Japanese


I'm not really sure what's wrong with that BUT something has too be ...
lol lol lol

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